Jasmin told me the best decision she ever made was breaking up with her long-term live-in boyfriend.
Her parents had moved to Perth, Australia while she was in college, so she stayed in the UK to finish school, and then moved over on her own. She loved the thought of traveling and had no plans to stick around sleepy old Perth, but wanted to move to Melbourne or Sydney.
So at the youthful age of 21, she came to a new city, found work and friends, and slotted into life here.
Within a year, she met Shaun, and fell into a relationship.
He was not really her type, but he was a nice guy, and within a few months, Jasmin was attached.
The relationship was fine, because they got along well, and were very comfortable with each other, and they just sort of fell into an “old married couple” lifestyle straight away.
Looking back, she realised it was a clue that she never felt excited about him. (And after the breakup, her friends said the same thing!)
Before they met, she had been planning to move to anther city, but he had a business here in Perth, so she couldn’t leave.
Still she had desires to travel, but it was never something he wanted to do, so they never took holidays. And the one time he relented, they went to Europe and had a disastrous holiday because he didn’t enjoy himself, complained about everything, and they fought the whole time.
After returning from this trip, Jasmin started to go downhill personally.
She lost all confidence in herself, and began to develop severe social anxiety, nearly to the point of agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house). It began with a dislike for his friends, and then she lost the desire for travel, and even developed a horrendous fear of flying. It got to the stage of not being able to drive on the freeway, and even feeling insecure around her own family and friends.
It was during this time she began seeing a psychologist, and even though it was one of the first questions asked, Jas insisted that her relationship was not the issue.
For years, she kept avoiding the obvious problem. She started several businesses, thinking it was her career that was unfulfilling, but nothing sparked her interest for long.
Thankfully, the universe intervened through a friend at work, who told her about the new role in another team, and suggested she apply. It took all of Jasmin’s courage to step out of her comfort zone and apply for it. Even though she agonised over the application, sweated and shook through the interview, somehow she made it, and was offered the job.
In this new department, it was like a breath of fresh air. Rather than being around stuffy older woman who were all living the “old married couple” lifestyle too, Jas found herself surrounded by a diverse group of people from all walks of life, and most importantly – girls her own age who had travel plans, went out on the weekend, and lived their life.
Something inside her re-ignited.
This new team environment had reminded her of who she was on the inside, and her pride in overcoming her fears and landing the job had changed her perspective.
Now that she could see clearly, she started to unravel the rest, and was finally able to consider that maybe it was her relationship that was the problem.
She realised it was so obvious, because the minute she contemplated the thought of leaving Shaun, all of her old desires popped back into her mind.
She had planned to live in Melbourne! She wanted to go travelling! She suddenly thought nothing of jumping in the car and driving across town to play soccer with her new friends.
Within only a couple of weeks in this new role, Jasmin had decided that she had to take action.
Once she knew the truth, she couldn’t pretend any more.
After gently breaking up with Shaun, she moved out of their house (kept the dog, of course!) and suddenly felt FREE.
She couldn’t believe that she hadn’t seen it before.
She realised that she had allowed herself to get so small within that relationship, and everything became difficult. She got hooked onto the relationship and it became her whole world. She lost her confidence and her dreams, and had allowed those feelings to build and grow and take over her whole emotional range.
The solution, she realised, was taking some kind of small step out of her comfort zone (the new job) to shake things up, and expand her again.
Even though she had taken one big decisive step, in leaving her relationship, it took a little while for Jasmin to get comfortable with the big dreams again.
The REALISATION might have been instant, but the STEPS to fully recovering her true self took longer.
For Jasmin, it was first getting on a plane to visit her Nan, then going traveling around Europe with a friend, then heading off the next year on her own, for longer, until finally she was comfortable to meet new people, rely on her own wits in a new country, and make plans for the future.
Jasmin now knows her own worth. She values her desires and prioritises her dreams. She recognises when she’s feeling small and immediately looks for a growth opportunity. And she will never again settle for a relationship so comfortable that she loses herself.
Jasmin’s quote when asked about sharing this story:
“I don’t know if there’s much to say… I left him, and lived happily ever after!”
Remember, whatever circumstances you’re experiencing right now, it doesn’t have to be forever. This is YOUR life and you only get one chance to live it.
Change might be hard, and messy, and uncomfortable… and painful in some situations… but you’ve got to do what’s right for you in the long term.
YOU are the only one you have to live with for the rest of your life. You’d better learn how to make yourself happy ?
(PS. If you are currently in a situation where you feel unsure, or confused, please reach out for help from a trusted friend, life coach or professional therapist. If you are feeling threatened or unsafe, please do put your safety as number 1 priority and seek security with the law or registered charities for support)
